La Vie en Sapphire

Anxiety

2012-02-12T19:08:00.003-05:00

Did you know that "anxiety" is a trait from a personality test?

The Enneagram...

"The Enneagram is a personality system which divides the entire human personality into nine behavioral tendencies, this is your score on each...

So this is my score:
Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||| 51%
Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||| 41%
Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||||| 57%
Type 4 Hypersensitivity|||||||||||||| 60%
Type 5 Detachment ||||||||||||||||62%
Type 6 Anxiety ||||||||||||||||72%
Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||| 50%
Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||||||||||| 60%
Type 9 Calmness |||||||||||| 42%

Your main type is Type 6 Your variant is self pres

I have an ANXIETY personality type, and my variant is self preservation.

That kinda explains why I'm constantly stressed out, but I don't think I'm a perfectionist. Why I don't really like myself, yet at the same time don't really like other people.

Does it also explain why I feel inexplicably upset at times?

It's funny because many people consider me to be quite a perfectionist, and quite sociable. Hmmm....

Be more proactive

2012-01-31T07:54:00.006-05:00

I remember a friend, an acquaintance, who probably remembers me but not the incident I am going to mention, once gave me advice, which changed that past situation, and has been changing my attitude.

I remember the first time ever running for student council. My competition was steep. My rate of winning was the lowest of all positions. I had competitors who were stunningly pretty, highly vocalized,and pleasantly popular. On the second day of campaign, I felt a little upset, as my campaign was not going as well as I liked. On the other hand, my competitors had their pictures all over campus. I heard that one of them has been doing very well, giving public lectures. But me. Nothing. Zilch...

A friend, who happened to be a candidate for another position, happened to walk past me. Nikki said, "I see your competitors are doing well. Don't give up just yet. Be more proactive." Well, she said that in mandarin. She said "積極".

I had nothing to lose just then. I didn't care if I won the race or not. I just wanted to have fun and take advantage of the next three days, walking up to people, pitching, creating my identity... I already had a group of loyal supporters, and my friends, inspired by my actions, also helped me campaigned. Throughout those three days, I made friends I would never have met. I went on stage so many times. Learned origami, a skill I never knew. Well, I hoped I would win - who doesn't? At the same time, I was having so much fun that it didn't really matter that much anymore...

On the day of election, a friend texted me "I have faith in you for this race". Touched, I smiled. I ended up winning the election.

Now if you ask me, am I a proactive person? Not really. In fact, I am naturally a very lazy person. I prefer to laze around all day and observe people. I don't like being the star. Yet I realized, many times in life I have been put into situations in which I had to be proactive. I had to be proactive, or I'll "lose my face".

Many times in life, I have been told that I am very outgoing and sociable. However, I realize I am not naturally outgoing. I just have an ego so strong that I cannot afford to lose. Hence, when I enter a new environment, I tell myself I must talk to as many people as possible and get to know them. I usually do that unless I get too tired of pretending.

Nikki didn't know me well, but what she said was true, and precisely what I needed: "be more proactive".

Another time, another friend Miki told me I should "speak up more", while talking about interviews in a leadership position. I tend not to speak up unless I get excited or irritated... which is about the same thing. I'm more willing to take risks when I perceive I have nothing to lose (then again, aren't most of us that way?)

Don't get me wrong - it's okay to be introverted. It's even okay to be introverted and behave it. But you need other assets to stand out as an introvert. If you're an accomplished artist, or mathematician, or engineer etc, your bashfulness and silence would be a defining factor of your identity, and people will respect you for it. But for people like me who don't really have such an asset, and whose pasttime includes observing people for fun (I'm genuinely interested in people), I find it easiest to take those advice, and "be more proactive" and "speak up more".

The Unspeakable

2012-01-04T23:52:00.002-05:00

Have you ever felt that some problems you face, are so unspeakable that you have nobody to turn to. Not those who love you, not those you love. It will hurt them if you share those problems. You would share with a total stranger, under an unknown name, but total strangers do not understand such struggles.

So you stay silent, burdened with the unspeakable. Nowhere to turn to. Every day, you cling on to life. You stay strong. You see things you'd rather not see, but you convince yourself to accept. You move on, you try to learn... but as the unspeakable hits, you run away. You chicken. You sprint...

You know it's bad but you do it anyway.

Since it happened, you know you should be thankful but it's your worst nightmare. Some say, why does it trouble you: you're not even sure if it's gonna be that bad... Yes, I don't know... I have no idea. I am not in control. But maybe because of my personality, everything seems that much worse.

Every day, part of me gets eaten alive. Part of me leaves. I deteriorate.

We all die, but not all of us die young.

As cruel as it sounds, I need a way to free myself from this unspeakable pain. This unspeakable bound. I need to grind my teeth and activate every second. Now's a battle I must fight, with many others.

But really we are standing alone.

*********************************************

I hope to write another reflective piece about this "unspeakable" feeling.

It's extremely hard for me to communicate this unspeakable problem. I can describe this unspeakable feeling, and most will find it very familiar... I can share my day to day struggles. But as for the unspeakable problem... if you know me in real life & would like to know, do contact me and I'll speak to you.

Of the Season

2011-12-19T21:31:00.003-05:00

I should be blogging about the amazing food and amazing shopping right now, but there's something that has been on my mind recently that makes me ponder and ponder.

I was at a church service last Sunday. It's the season, and the pastor was talking about the Christmas story again. He mentioned something that has always caught me wondering.

"Every year, during the holidays, people are happy. Celebrations, parties, appreciation... They make the holidays festive. Christmas shopping, food, family bonding time. Love, peace, joy. People feel intensely happy. At the same time, some people feel intensely down. Lost his job, wife left him, someone he loved died... Christmas has a way of amplifying feelings. People feel intensely happy or intensely upset, rarely in the middle..."

Holidays. They have a way of getting to you like that. I remember saying that during Thanksgiving, when all the bus and train tickets were quickly sold out, the roads were congested, people would go home anyway... It was sad if you didn't, unless you absolutely had to work. Even if you do, you feel kinda left out. Left out from the festives, left out from the family love..

That's why people choose to go home or celebrate during the holidays, even if it costs more money and is simply not worth it financially at times. Think about it: loss pay (overtime), extra money for transportation, congested roads (wasted time), money spent on gifts... Yes, you get to see family, maybe almost all of them, but is it worth it? Are you better off just seeing everyone individually over the year?

Is it better if every family had a different "holiday season"? No, the capitalistic world won't work like that. There needs to be a season. There needs to be christmas decorations at the mall. People need to spend. Be merry. Be happy. Play those songs.
Buy more stuff. Spend more. Eat more. Laugh. Drink. Forget about work and school for a bit. Have fun. Hugs. Kisses. Love.

So that's Christmas. You know the Christmas song stuck in my mind?

"Merry merry Christmas, Lonely lonely Christmas" I believe it's a Cantonese (Hong Kong) Christmas song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyDqWAyXdkU

If anyone is interested...

Night Skyline

2011-12-08T20:14:00.002-05:00

I really like looking at the night skyline of the city.

It always makes me wonder: who's between those lights? What are they doing, right now, right there? Where do they come from? Where are they going? Where will they be? Why are they there? Did they want to be there?

I fantasize walking on the streets, saying hello to someone, getting to know them... Getting close, getting lost.. And then saying goodbye - and never meet again. Never. That's why I think the movie "Before Sunrise" would appeal to me much much more than "Before Sunset". Actually, I haven't watched the movies, so I don't know if I like them. I like the movie, actually, for another reason which I shall not divulge... It just reminds me of.. someone :)

But I'm scared of walking alone on the streets. I fear someone will jump out and hold a knife close to me... I make plans whenever I am in situations like that, thinking about what I would do. But what if someone points a gun at me and shoot. I can't possibly run away... I realized that I'm really afraid of car parks (I forgot what it's called in American English). I guess I need to devise a plan of escape in car parks...

What a night to begin with. What a long, long night. I enjoy the serenity of being alone, completely alone.

Completely able to write whatever I want to write, falling deep into my writing.

Sometimes I'm afraid. I'm really afraid of certain actions, certain words, certain feelings. Sometimes I want to run away. But you can't really run away when someone points their gun at you preparing to trigger under some part of this night skyline. The lights will shine, a loud bomb will be heard.

And you will be gone.

I'm afraid.

Sometimes I rather not go back to people who know me, because they will have an imprint of me. Acquaintances are scary. They are your most valuable tools (connections, you hear that), yet they can ask the scariest questions, like "so what have you been up to lately", or "how is your job going?", or "when are you going to get married". Questions you do not necessary want to answer, and really hate it when it comes unexpected.

I try to practice an answer I will give when people ask me "what are you going to do when you graduate", but every time I am asked that, different combinations of words pop out my mouth. Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I know very well I want to be a doctor. Sometimes I doubt if I want to be a professional, but I want to be useful to the world.

Very vague, you know, very vague. If you ask me, sincerely, those are bullshit answers. The real answer, I can tell you, is "I don't know. I really don't know."

Hind sight is always 20/20.

The sky becomes brighter in the day. You see lights in the night skyline, but nothing beats the sun rays, shining right on you, gently waking you up.

I guess I will just enjoy the night skyline for now.

Do you know...?

2011-11-01T08:54:00.002-04:00

Do you know how it's like to feel extremely upset? For no apparent reason (or no strong reason), you stopped functioning. You stopped doing things you could normally do and should normally do. You lost yourself. You lost interest in life. Maybe you have been upset and unhappy in the past but this time is worse. You actually felt that life is worthless, YOU are worthless... And you're trying really hard to do what you can... but you just can't...

Yes, you don't have an ideal life... You're not as lucky, not as smart, made many wrong turns.... up to this point. You still know rationally that you CAN change, if you want to... But why, why, why.. WHY do you don't feel it? You should be motivated to try harder, to get better... Instead you're needing SOMETHING. Something that will pull you back on track, something that will motivate you. Something that will actually make you get up and move.

You get up in the middle of the night, several times, with nightmares flashing in your mind. In the morning, you feel so fatigued that you just don't want to get up. When you do, you just want to sit there all day and not do anything...

Feeling that people stopped liking you. Feeling that people started hating you... Feeling unworthy and incapable..

Sometimes you have the urge to run out and jump out of the window. But that is too much hassle, still. So you are just gonna sit on the couch and rot. You're upset that you can't even contribute anything... You're really a walking ghost in this world. What can you do? What can you do? You cry... You're hopelessly shattered.

You try to go to the counselling center, but you can't even find a form to fill in online... or even how to make an appointment. It seems that you need a referral. Now you're just stuck. You're a nobody going nowhere. Nobody even wants to help you. You start noticing the small details in every day speech. Every small action speaks to you. You get inexplicably terrified when a pickle fell out of a sandwich, like a drop out. And then you pick it up and you feel better.

Nobody really understands you, despite some that would say they might. Most people don't care, and those who would, you really feel bad that they sit next to you and help you... because really, you are a hopelessly shattered glass. Who can put you together?

You need something to first get you away from your bed and your room. Then you need something to motivate you. You need a plan. You need a goal. And you're just sitting here doing nothing. While everyone beside you moves forward. Most are not going to hold your hand. They are just going to look at you sympathetically and leave. That doesn't even make you wanna go fight and get better.

You're a loser. You just sit here and do nothing. Nobody knows what's wrong with you. People think there's nothing wrong... you might just have had a bad day... you might just be upset over something. But you KNOW! There's something wrong that you cannot explain. There's something seeping in the tears every night when every one else is soundly asleep.

You just lost every opportunity you could have grabbed. You lost yourself. You're fully responsible. But who cares? You can't even do anything. Should an incapable person be responsible for things he cannot do?

You know you need to stand up. You know you need to move on. You need something. Someone. Somewhere. Whatever.

Someone please help.

From my heart

2011-10-20T12:23:00.001-04:00

I don't know... Spent a long time reflecting about lives this morning...

I really don't think people should go to college right after high school, unless they really want to. It really shouldn't be a fad.

Gap years, I think, are essential. Sometimes I wonder if I should take one, too. If I do, what will I do? Where will I go? What will I be?

Oh well.

"There are two kinds of people who go to college: the first kind, people who know exactly what they want to do, and go to college because they know that it will help them in achieving their (career) goals, the second kind, people who have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what they want to do, and they have nothing better to do.... so here they are, in college."

I'm afraid I'm more of the second type.

The Side Street

2011-10-20T10:37:00.002-04:00

Every day, I have to pass by a side street twice. I call it the side street, because it is conveniently located between two main streets, diagonally. Nobody really know its name - we all know it's the street between Street A and Street B, so why bother?

I like the side street.

Mid rise buildings, row houses, parking garages. There's a garden that looks like paradise because you can only see part of it from the outside. Mysterious. Trees covered with auburn leaves hang over the entrance. Between bushes, an ivory table lies serenely in the middle, accompanied by two arm chairs. The fall breeze sweeps the fallen leaves from the ground, twirling them in the air. There they dance, spinning around in a spiral motion. They cross paths and meet again, and eventually fly farther away....

It must not be very big, as the street is indeed a side street. Many times I walked past, feeling tempted to walk into the garden and peer over the trees and flowers, to realize the sign on the 8-foot-tall black fence that greets me: "No trespassing. Violators will be prosecuted."

Oh well.

Today I walked through the side street again. Breezy morning.

I glanced to my right, hoping to stare longer at the "secret garden" without being noticed. It's much nicer today, because it is breezy, and when it is breezy, the leaves start dancing in their weird leafy manner. I wonder if I could dance like that. It will probably be strange... Imagine sweeping through the arms of hundreds of dance partners on the dance floor... and then ending up meeting those you have met before. And you leave, really, you leave, after the dance.

I think I saw apples, hanging on one of the inner trees. Yellow-greenish apples. I wonder what kind they are. I never knew you could have several stray apple trees without being in a forest. I wonder if I will see strawberries in May, during the strawberry season. I have always wanted a strawberry plant... Maybe I could ask if they would give me some seeds...

BUMP

I realized I just bumped into someone because I wasn't paying attention. Clearly, that someone wasn't paying attention, too. I looked up into her blue eyes, stole a glance at the Secret Garden, and we both started laughing.

"Sorry," she remarked, slightly blushing. I never thought I would like the doll-like wavy blonde hair she carries so nicely, flying in the air.

"It's pretty," I said, not knowing if I'm referring to her hair, the day, or the secret garden. It doesn't matter. It's pretty anyway.

We nodded and continued walking in opposite directions.

The leaves must be still dancing. Soon, they all will fall off. Maybe I will get a better view of the snowy garden then. The apples will ripen soon. I wonder if people will eat them, or make apple pie or apple sauce... Will they even eat those apples?

I turned around and saw blonde-girl scurrying quickly towards the end of Side Street, her hair dancing in the wind. A hushed voice swept past my ears, saying "run, run, run in the breeze!"

Producers and consumers

2011-10-08T20:23:00.003-04:00

Remember in high school, or in some random ecology class you took some time ago, about the food chain? There was one producer: the plant, and it was at the bottom of the food chain. Above it (or them) were several levels of consumers.

The producers, by definition, produce, while the consumers, by definition, consume.

Not a very good depiction *yet*, huh.

Have you ever wondered if a producer can become a consumer, or if a consumer can become a producer?

Well the food chain says: not really. The producer ultimately produces, and the consumer ultimately consumes. What about in the world? Most of us are consumers, and many of us are producers. We might not produce the same thing we consume (or we might), but it doesn't matter. We play active roles in both areas.

Do we need to be a consumer to be a producer, then? If we have never consumed before, how would we know if what we produce would be attractive to the consumers? If we are producers who are consumers at the same time, how can we make sure that what we do is original? Or does it not matter at all?

I wonder. I wonder.

Maybe there's nothing such as originality. Maybe there is an exception to every rule.

I don't know.

Oh well.

Someone asked me...

2011-10-02T14:26:00.002-04:00

yesterday, how I was, how I am feeling.

I didn't feel much yesterday. That's what I said, and that was true.

Today, I felt an immense feeling. Mixed feeling. I can't pull streaks of hair out from the flour.

Yes, we like certain things not because they are innately good, or bad. They are just catalysts. You like a song not because it is the best written melody, or beat, or lyrics. Some will disagree. You like it, because it (consciously or subconsciously) affected you emotionally.

You grew to like it. Or you grew to hate it.

Same goes to racism, you know. I don't think racism, or any sort of discrimination is innate in people (someone who tries to say this pls show me a scientific proof). When we are triggered emotionally, we are more likely to display signs of discrimination.

Nobody is innate good, or bad. Just look at every single person you know. Or popular bands. People you think who are terrible might like the most saint-like musician alike. But is the musician that saint-like, or is that person that terrible? Maybe. Maybe not.

Nobody is going to be around you forever. There is no such thing as innate enemies or friends.

It just is. It depends on the situation.

What keeps me going? Love alone is too vague. What keeps me running, really?

All this curiosity.

I'm freezing. Somebody hug me, come on.

Still

2011-09-20T08:43:00.002-04:00

Still at this moment, when the whole city wants to be asleep in the misty rain.

Still at this instant, when the people yawn and stretch and want to get back to bed.

Still at this stream of conscious...

Still at this chosen frozen interval of time....

Middling

2011-09-13T10:31:00.002-04:00

I am middling, seeing all the people around me

Some are busy, some are calm

Some have high profiles, some are never known

Some are happy, some are not

Everyone has a different life

Everyone's shadow passes by

Where am I?

Hanging in the air

2011-08-30T08:33:00.002-04:00

I have been using this phrase pretty frequently: hanging in the air.

When everything is supposed to be "settled down" for me, I find myself in uncertain positions, having no control about what is going to happen. My fault, I know, my fault - for not being quick enough and putting stuff aside until it becomes kinda... urgent.

When everything is supposed to be "settled down" for me, I find myself having to make so many decisions and take so many risks that I wonder if I can just close my eyes and do whatever I like, ignoring the fact that everything I do will have a future component and consequences.

I'm floating in the air. I don't govern the laws of gravity, but I'm floating. Any second, I might fall to the ground... I might lose everything. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm wailing, crying, sobbing. I'm afraid I don't make out of it alright... It, life.

Oh life, why do you keep on surprising me with unwanted circumstances?

Sometimes I feel, it is precisely those really bad memories, those times in fear in life, that we vividly remember... for a long, long time.

I don't want to get up. I want a time turner.

Oh well.

Whisper

2011-08-30T08:27:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I tend to whisper, and people don't hear me.

I don't have an extremely loud voice, but if I am agitated, it can be pretty loud and according to some, identifiable. Nevertheless, many times I tend to whisper. Maybe it's out of politeness, maybe it's out of shyness, maybe it's just... not that important that I absolutely have to get the message across, but pressing enough that I just want to let it out.

I murmur.

"Strawberries are sweet."

"What??"

"Oh, nothing. just talking to myself."

"Oh," (suspicious look), "you sure nothing?"

"Yea, I just said strawberries are sweet."

"Oh."

I tend to find myself in a position like this: wanting to say something but unsure if I want people to hear it. Hence, I whisper. Whoever who is listening and gets it would get it, but whoever who is not listening would just... not get it. It's not that important anyway. If it is important (or I want people to perceive importance), I would be clear, loud and precise.

Not sometimes. I like to whisper.

I am feeling rather down.

Emo

2011-07-10T20:06:00.003-04:00

Why am I posting here so often? Why am I feeling so emo?

Why do I feel so lost?

When did I stop smiling?

I feel sad. A large amount of sadness.

Would you comfort me, allow me to lie in your arms, while I cry off?

Would you hold my hand, when I climb this road not taken?

Would your voice be around me, when I scream for you - but no sound is heard?

I just happen to never look down, but always look up... But that makes me feel worthless.

I always question myself: what have I done in these two years, that is worth talking about? How have I changed?

I'm really afraid of falling behind.

I'm really afraid of losing even what I had before, and not gaining anything new.

I am torn to pieces.

I am broken apart.

I made a vow that I was not going to make this same mistake again.

But two years is short - we will live many two years.

Twenty years is short - we will live several twenty years.

Well, I guess if you always think about the negative side, that's all you'll find.

Cheers for a never-setting-sun.

Maybe..

2011-07-10T15:40:00.001-04:00

Maybe I'm supposed to be a chemist.

最初的夢想

2011-07-09T15:51:00.000-04:00

我覺得我找到了我當初的夢想。。。我一直以來想要的。。。

可是，我還是懷疑：會實現嗎？

夢啊夢，就是那麽遙遠。。。

是不是

2011-06-28T23:32:00.002-04:00

是不是我一直以來不敢嘗試，還是命運不許？

是不是後來的我才遺憾從前追不到的美麗？

是不是選擇放棄的我現在才從回憶裏，輕輕感嘆那悄悄離開的痕跡？

我屬於的啊！又到底是不是你?你的擁抱，你給的支持，你給予的溫馨。。。

我不哭了。不是沒有眼淚，而是流的淚沒人惜。

我遺失的，到底是什麽？我曾經擁有過的，又在今天明天的籠罩下，會不會繼續散發昨天的光彩？

我不知道。我不知道。

是不是命運還在繼續玩弄我。

可是

2011-06-05T23:01:00.001-04:00

可是独自走着的我们，又是否能够跨越距离，回到那个令人挂念的季节？

我仍然相信。爱你。

The breeze of an early June morning

2011-06-04T12:22:00.003-04:00

I woke up to the rays confidently shinning across my face. I rubbed my sleeve against my eyes and turned around, facing my back towards the sunlight. The plot of "Jane Eyre" (which I finished reading last night) was still fresh in my mind. Still astonished that I read 680 pages within 5 days.

I sat up and yawned. It was 9.11am. Maybe, I thought, maybe I shall go out for a walk.

The day was not too hot. The breeze blew lightly, while I paced quickly towards the farmer's market. The farmer's market is usually overpriced, but the produce is usually fresh, plus in the summer time, produce there is relatively cheap compared to big supermarkets. Most of all, I like the atmosphere.

The fiddlers who play to the joy of sunshine! The aromatic scent of falafel with local produce! The freshly squeezed lemonade! The strong oriental smell of pad Thai! Homemade pizza, crepes with fresh ingredients made in front of you... Stall after stall of bright green vegetables - sometimes they have a whole cabbage for a dollar. The giant stall of apples, picked at a farm just at the northern border of the state. Families, old couples, college students.

I was late - most produce have already been sold out. I wanted to get spinach, but I did not see any spinach that looked fresh - most probably withered upon exposure of heat and sunlight. I got a whole bunch of spring onions, and was prepared to go - when I saw a familiar face in the light breeze.

There was a friend - a friend I had not seen or spoken to in a while, manning one of the stalls. She mentioned that the produce were organic, and grown by local public school children. She introduced me to C., one of the high schooler who leads the plantation. I marveled at it. They ran out of a lot of produce, but had I been there earlier, I would probably have gotten some from them - despite them being slightly expensive.

We talked for a bit, and I was going to head back. We hugged, and parted.

I saw two young men in front of a house, weeding. Maybe they were frat boys, maybe they were not. I never liked fraternities, but I was not there to judge - they were after all, gardening. I stopped by to say hi, and we smiled.

"Growing anything yet?"

"We hope so, soon! But today, we're just weeding, the first step!"

A wink followed.

I laughed, and walked away.

"Have fun in this beautiful day!"

"Take care!"

The breeze continued to blow. It was near noon. Maybe, I thought maybe, I am beginning to like this city.

A note to you

2011-05-18T09:33:00.003-04:00

Sometimes we feel like we made a bad turn... But when we can't turn back, we shouldn't be too remorseful.

Always learn, always learn from mistakes.

And I hope you don't make the same mistake again.

Marriage, Sex, Pregnancy, Parenthood: Reflections

2011-05-12T12:41:00.000-04:00

That's the order it should be.

Recently, I have been rather surprised by some news. Two of my classmates got married. It would not be as surprising if I knew that both of them have been together for a long time (several years), but they were not. It's even more surprising to realize that I am already twenty (or going to be), and by society's standard, I should be married in ten years (some argue five).

Oh no. No. No. NO. I'm a kid. =P

I am happy for my friends who got married, and I hope they made the right choice, and stay faithful to each other for the rest of their lives. I hope they got married for the right reasons, and not because of convenience. I hope they appreciate each other to the end of time.

Honestly, at this age, if two people get married, people automatically assume that the girl is pregnant. This is almost always true. I don't see my female friend being pregnant yet - I guess that is a good sign. Getting married because of an unborn child is, in my opinion, painful and unfair. The parents are often unprepared, and are often young and jobless. I think that people should only have children when they are ready to provide.

That actually brings me to another news I found out: one of my friend's sister got married because of an unborn baby. She and her husband were working adults, and have been dating for years. Both of them were in their late twenties. When she got pregnant, they almost immediately got married, and now they have a nice, happy married life. In that case, I think that getting married because of a child is justified, as the parents are mature enough and can provide sufficiently. To some, they thought it was a good ending because it gave the couple a reason to get married. Nevertheless, couples who get married this way do not get a chance to enjoy time together as husband and wife before having a child. Of course, both of them were staying together, and they obviously had sex before marriage (which is the biggest "duty" of a married couple), but I think that getting married is a different feeling.

You assume a different role. You think of yourself different: "I'm her husband, not her boyfriend anymore". It's more of a Storge love instead of pure Eros, if you ask me. I think that transition is necessary.

This morning, I was reading about half-asian-half-black notable people (because I am always amazed by the beauty of multiracial people), and Lou Jing appeared on my browser. She sparked rather controversial discussions several years ago, because she has black heritage. Although she lived in Shanghai her entire life and speaks fluent Chinese, there were still bad-mouthed comments. I am just going to focus on one. Her mother got pregnant with a black man, and that black man left China, not knowing that he got a lady pregnant. Lou's mother was married to a Chinese man at that time, who divorced her when he realized his child was black.

I don't know much details of the story, but I see a parallel with President Obama's birth (interestingly, Lou is planning on applying to Columbia U, President Obama's alma mater). True, had their parents not have sex outside of wedlock, they would not have been born. The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize recipient would have been different. But think about OTHER children who were born outside of wedlock. How many of them made it through childhood, teenagehood? How many of them entered college? Understood love? There are outliers - people who do exceptionally well. The majority of such children, however, are abandoned.

It is not that children born outside of wedlock are more successful (and will go on and do good things such as becoming the US president). It is not that children born outside of wedlock are necessarily disadvantaged - although most of them are. It is that when smart people have sex and their children get born outside of wedlock, those children stand a higher chance of succeeding than those who were born of not-so-smart-parents outside of wedlock!

I read the biography of the tiger mom Amy Chua yesterday. Okay, I admit, she does look a bit like a tigress. She claims that her strategy of discipline and pushing children, the typical "Chinese way", is often useful. Yes, pushing children to their limits is good - that shows utmost trust in them. Nevertheless, is it that pushing works for all people?

How would you explain the Asian kids who get pushed but still fail (I mean Asian fail, lol)? How would you explain the children who never got pushed but still did well? Pushing is important, but there are more important factors in parenting.

Disclaimer: I am not a parent yet. If I said something wrong, please correct me based on your experience.

What do Lou Jing, President Barack Obama, Amy Chua, her daughter Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld (who got into Yale and Harvard), even Albert Einstein, Wolfgang Mozart have in common? They were not all born in wedlock or out of wedlock. They were not all pushed to their maximum. They did not all have Asian parents.

But their parents were smart. Lou Jing's parents went to college, which is above average for a typical Chinese family at that time. President Obama's parents met at Harvard! Harvard! So did Amy Chua and her husband. Chua's father is an immigrant and prominent scientist. Einstein's father founded a successful company. Mozart's father published a successful violin book. Smart family --> Smart children. Genetic or cultural? I don't know. But the correlation says so.

Okay, not everyone is gifted to be smart. A lot of us aren't geniuses. But that's okay. Parenting can be good enough to raise a child well. And when I say well, I don't mean that the child will go on and invent the cure for cancer (because there is no one cure), or start a multimillion dollar company. That's when a child becomes MINDFUL, does the maximum he/she can do, and live happily.

Encourage a child to try out everything as a kid - including math, science, music, art, sports, etc. Let them run, let them fall. Bandage them when they fall, but encourage them to stand up. Dance with them, play with them, learn with them. Punish them when necessarily, but don't make punishment bad surprises. Push your children to their limits, trust that they can do better. Don't yell at them when they are disappointed that they didn't get the first prize, but if they think that the 3rd prize is sufficient, tell them it's not.

Read news with them, encourage them to discuss current issues with you, if they are interested. Treat them like a friend, but let them be aware that you're always the dad (or mom). Hug them, kiss them on the forehead, go shopping together. Worry about them, but don't overworry to the point that they are afraid of telling you everything because you would worry.

Live your life. Love your spouse. Let your children love your spouse.

To those I know who just became parents: congratulations! Honestly, there is no "one perfect way" of parenting. I can fantasize an ideal situation, but that might not always be the case. Hold your child's hand, and let them know you love them.

To those I know who just got married: congratulations! If you do get a child in the near future, make sure you take care of yourselves. Be a good role model.

To those I know who... just got engaged/are thinking of marriage: reflect on pregnancy and parenthood. It might be a little too early to start thinking of, but it's worth thinking about.

And as for me, I shall stop being a tin kosong (empty can). I can talk as much as I like but I should probably actually do stuff. =P

P.S: Happy birthday, mom! I love you =)

WHY

2011-04-28T22:26:00.001-04:00

Do I care if I am a terrible person?

Eavesdropping

2011-04-20T19:27:00.002-04:00

It's The Time.

"What are you doing over summer?"

"Oh, I got an internship downtown... It'll be fun."

"Is it paid?"

"Uhm, I think so..."

"Oh yea, XXX, what are you doing over summer"?

"Oh I'm trying to get an internship..."

"Hey how's it going? Are you gonna be here over summer?"

"Yea I am. Gonna do research."

"How about your? Your summer plans?"

"Uhm... I'm gonna work full time at a...."

"Oh?"

"Yea, gotta need that money..."

"Are you excited for summer?"

"Uhm... Oh yea, yea, I am."

"OMG I'm sooo excited! I'm going to FRAAANCE!!!"

side note: good for you

"So I can't decide what I want to do over summer... Should I do research here, or take up that unpaid internship in New York City?"

"Aw man, that's hard isn't it."

*** No matter what you choose to do, summer is not a time to relax for uhmmmm students***

Curling in a dark corner

2011-04-03T16:37:00.002-04:00

I tried to convince myself that it's alright.

If the whole world thinks it's alright, maybe I'll believe it.

But there are some who won't think it's alright.

And hence, the fear exists.

Trying to sort the important from the not so important. Trying to find the optimal balance. Trying to... live live.

Why is it so hard? WHY?

Kore kara

2011-03-30T16:45:00.003-04:00

Think about the identity you want to assume.

The personality you would carry.

The place you will live in.

The things you would do, and you call that "for a living".

The food you would eat.

The time you would get up and sleep every day.

The people you would be with.

And be close to...

What would you be from now on?

Discouraged

2011-03-29T20:26:00.002-04:00

I recently have felt rather discouraged.

Maybe I'm not used to people trying to be nice to me when they actually don't care that much.

Maybe I'm not used to being told I cannot do things, or not allowed to do things I think I really want to do.

Maybe I have been deprived of opportunities, and forgot how to find them.

Maybe every time I fall for someone, I'm afraid of being rejected again.

Maybe I just have high expectations, and my feelings fall apart when reality becomes really different.

But...

I fear.

I fear how I will be five years from now - will I be struggling to make ends meet? Will I even be alive?

I fear that I'll be nothing for my entire life - just a walking body everyone forgets after the lights are out.

I fear the unknown, but I fear the known, because anticipating something would make me really, really disappointed.

******************************

On a slightly side note, recently, a few things have made me very pensive, and I really just needed to spill everything out. One of my Biology instructors recently died of cancer. Ironically, his mother died several months ago. He was a great young man - a nice and humorous guy people liked. I am sad, not because I thought he was a great person and shouldn't leave the world, but about how ironical life is! A young Biology instructor died of cancer! My heart bleeds...

Also, some friends recently found out that they have health problems. At this age, at this time, people really shouldn't be worried about health issues like that - this is a golden age! But they are, sadly...

Makes me wonder what's the most important.

I'm getting into a 3-mile run at least twice a week routine. Going to eat healthy, too. I know it's going to be hard because I still eat on campus... But here's my pledge to a healthy lifestyle.

I don't know how important that is... but like recycling, and to a certain extent, cloning - hey, if it makes you feel good, why not.

As for now, I really NEEEEED to feel good about this monstrous class. Oh gosh can I pleaseeeee just understand the material.

I don't know why it's so hard. Geez.

Tired

2011-03-20T22:07:00.001-04:00

I kinda regret the choice I made. I'm so tired.

Sometimes I really really wonder if it's worth it... or if I should have just crashed?

I feel really really upset... like I don't have energy to move on. =(

Help me, oh please help me!

I have the feeling that

2011-03-16T21:57:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only dumb one.

Why do I always miss the take?

Why do I always make mistakes?

When you're in a world where mistakes are rarely tolerated..

Oh well. Push through another day girl!

That class...

2011-03-14T20:21:00.000-04:00

is killing me =( =( =(

I'm too young to die! =(

Pink

2011-03-13T14:39:00.006-04:00

Recently I've been hearing a song, played over and over again in one of the cafeterias, to the point that it ANNOYS ME every time it's being played.

The beat is very catchy - to the point that you recognize it every time it's played. You know it's pop. You know it's rock. The vocals are pretty strong and powerful, compared to many commercial pop singers (you know, the rusty female voice in the radio all the time...) I can never make out the lyrics of songs, unless I listen to them carefully. But that was a school cafeteria - there were always a lot of people, a lot of conversations. I could never listen to them clearly... but I couldn't cared less. That song just annoys me so much, every time I listen to it.

So a friend finally told me the name of the song last night. It's called "Raise your glass" by Pink (P!NK). I have never heard of the name "Pink". I just never liked the color pink. In fact, it's one of the colors I actually dislike. Was it a band? Why is it called "pink"? That's sooo girly, soooo yucky....

I became really really curious, so I decided to find the lyrics of this song. I turned on the computer, opened my browser, but *oops*, I forgot the name of the song. All I remembered was the name "pink". I browsed through several of the songs and quickly recognized the vocals. She had an image completely different from what I expected. She's nothing close to girly. If anything, she's the female image I ADORE. Powerful boycut short hair, thick lips, muscular arms... Man, that girl is attractive.

I listened to several songs, and finally got to the song "Raise your glass". I didn't quite like the name - it seemed almost mockingly demanding. The first few seconds told me that... I hit the right song. That was the song I despised so much, listening to it unwillingly over and over again.

I watched the music video of the song (attached above). She totally smashed my perception of "Pink" and that annoying song. It's probably one of the most creative and representative music videos ever, even though creepy. The music video tells exactly what she wants to say, compared to many commercially successful songs'. Of course, the lyrics are creative: Pink used words in very unusual, for example, "right in all the wrong ways."

I then did a search of Pink's biography, and thought that the scenes in the "Raise your glass" music video constitute an interesting summary of her life. Not having enough of this lady, I went to her official page, and listened to the first song there "F***king perfect" (first video on page).

I like that song, for different reasons. Pink's image was just perfect for that song. I imagine, if I were someone in that position, she was really speaking to me, like a big sister. I don't quite see why she had to use the word "f***king" in the lyrics, but I guess it does speak to many people in the American population. I like her contrast usage of "pretty pretty please" and "f***king perfect", her rap and country rock combinations in the song.

The next song I listened to is "Stupid Girls". Very interesting and explicit music video. Can't say if I like it or not, but it speaks its point. The lyrics really made me crack up though. I stand in line with her on this one: girls should care more about what they really want to do instead of what people would view them. This is true for girls in every part of the world.

I thought that Pink was a great artist, and I really respect her for what she does. She's different. Brave and explicit, something like Lady Gaga, but probably with more brains. Her voice reminds me a bit of that of Rihanna's, but her songs tell you exactly what she WANTS, instead of what's THERE.

Well, my perception of "Pink" and that annoying song changed today. Can't be sure if I won't get annoyed the next time I hear it over and over again, but at least I respect Pink, and I really like her as a creative soul.

I realized...

2011-03-13T14:31:00.003-04:00

that my perspective towards exams have changed.

I used to think of them as great challenges, depriving myself of everything before them, studying so hard for them, not allowing myself to do badly on any of them...

but...

I have grown to see them as part of life. I have started to actually enjoy and appreciate them. I have started to feel less stressed out before a supposedly "hell-week" (four midterms and two quizzes before Spring break, can't get worse, huh? ;) ). I think I've started to get used to not make anything such a big deal.

I think I've started to actually learn to enjoy life.

When you clench your fist so tightly, that's so much you can hold; but if you open your palms, the whole world is yours. :)

Maximizing your choice... or not

2011-03-09T16:41:00.002-05:00

A group of young adults were going to Florida for Christmas break.

Somebody asked, "Is Nancy going?"

"No."

"Did anyone ask her?"

"We did, but she said no, as usual. She doesn't see the point of going to Florida, and paying for a hotel room, when she already paid rent for her apartment."

"But she stays there all the time! Doesn't she want to come out and... have fun? How much does her apartment cost? Like, $500 a month? Her accounting job pays like $5000. I don't see why she's so concerned."

"Oh well, maybe if we keep on asking her, she'll come out?"

******************************************

Almost all of us are "Nancys" at some point. We try to be maximize the choice we make. We want to go to the cheapest, most prestigious college, where student life is also the best. We want to date the hottest, smartest, richest man, who also happens to be caring, loving and empathetic. We want the cheapest, most convenient, and most spacious apartment. We want the highest paying job with the lowest stress. We choose the majors that would put us on track to get the most money. We choose the activities that would look the nicest on our resumes.

Sometimes, we scrutinize our choices so much to make the ideal choice. After we make the choice, we very often regret it, asking ourselves chains of "what ifs". What if I had chosen Rutgers over NYU - I would have graduated with $40,000 less debt to pay! What if I got into Harvard - I would have graduated with no debt from a great school!

In the end, we will be asking ourselves: what if our parents just didn't give birth to us the way we were? It's the road not taken, pal. Some choices have been made, by us or not, but we would never know if our lives would be better otherwise...

We compare our current situation with the ideal often. In Nancy's situation, wouldn't it be great if she could just not pay rent for the 2 weeks she would be in Florida? Of course, it would be great, but that's just not how the current system works! In a capitalistic society, everyone wants the best for themselves. Your landlord is not going to stop charging you that amount of money.

(Of course, people in Nancy's situation have found ways to travel and not waste rent money - they simply exchange houses)

When we make choices, there is more to the tangible outcomes we see to it - emotions are a big part too. So what if you have the most successful career - but you are not happy? This old saying has been one of the guidelines when we choose what we would do for a living (or what to buy/who to marry).

I say, as long as I am happy, that should be the best choice. But very often, materialistic items are necessary to make me happy.

Choices

2011-03-06T18:01:00.003-05:00

I went to a talk by Barry Schwatz the other day, in which he talked about choices.

That has been on my mind lately.

I wonder: are any of the choices I have made in the past "wrong" choices? Should I have gone to a different school? Should I have taken other classes Freshmen year? Should I have done a different major? Sometimes, I really do think that some of them were BAD choices, like, not doing required classes Freshmen year (which forced me to take summer classes), or not being proactive enough when I need to, missing great opportunities.

However, many of the choices I have made are subtly good and subtly bad. Who's to say that I made the bad choice of choosing a particular school - if I think I'm contented with it right now? There are important choices, and not so important choices. Some choices do not matter at all, e.g. if you have pizza or pasta for dinner tonight. Some do, e.g. who you marry. On the same scale, for instance, not so important choices, there can be "real" and "fake choices"(which I intend to write more about in the future): a choice between sushi and hamburger would be a "real" choice, because they are fundamentally different substances, but choosing one out of 20 apparently similar salad dressings is "fake" choice: many of the dressings are just very similar.

I realized too, that many choices have other consequences which are not monetary at all. Choosing a high paying, stressful job might make you age faster. Eating fries instead of salad may make you happier at the moment, but would take a toll on your health later. Depriving yourself of basic needs might jeopardize your performance.

Sometimes I wonder: what really is important? What really is not important?

Oh God, teach me.

Criminal Law v.s. Civil Law

2011-03-02T22:27:00.002-05:00

There are several differences between Criminal and Civil law. Some of them might be obvious, if you're majoring in law, or even interested in the subject to have read enough of it. In summary:

Criminal law:

1. Plaintiff (person who sues) is the government

2. Brought to court if defendant commits an act which is violating a statue

3. Defendant is found guilty/not guilty

4. Defendant is found guilty only if evidence presented is beyond all reasonable doubt

5. Purpose is to punish defendant

Civil law:

1. Plaintiff is usually the victim (or related to the victim)

2. Brought to court if defendant causes harm/damage to the plaintiff (and/or property)

3. Defendant is found liable/not liable

4. Defendant is found liable if plaintiff can show that evidences favors the plaintiff

5. Purpose is to receive compensation (plaintiff)

In a way, criminal cases are like squash: you hit the ball, it hits and bounces off the wall, and the other player hits it. You and your opponent are not directly hitting the ball at each other, but using something else as a stage, to focus and redirect momentum. The victim in criminal cases is just another witness. The big boss here (the stage) is the government. If there is no wall, you can't play squash. Similarly, if there is no government (or similar body) to interfere, there would be no criminal charges.

Civil cases are like badminton: you hit the ball directly at your opponent, and your opponent hits back. You are not using a stage to redirect momentum - the game depends solely on you and your racket. The victim in civil cases is directly involved in the case. Whoever wins depends on the how good the racket is (evidence), and how well the player uses it (attorney).

Enough of ball games and court systems. There are some really funny trivia to share though:

1. Adultery is a crime in the State of Maryland... and if found guilty, the charge is... $10.

2. With all the stringent laws regarding sexual acts in Maryland, the only legal act is to have sex with your spouse in the most "normal", "widely-accepted" position, or it would be considered as an "unnatural sexual act".

3. For those who are wondering: Yes, oral sex IS illegal - and a crime - in Maryland.

4. If charged with sodomy, charges are up to 10 years of jail. Note: Maryland court ruled that the sodomy statue does not apply to consenting homosexual adults.

Very interesting link:

Unnatural and Perverted Sexual Practices

5. Also, if a girl comes up to you and say that she's 19, shows you her ID, appears very mature and interested in you, and asked you to go to bed with her... well, if it was found that she is 17 years and 363 days of age the night you had sex with her... you are still charged for statutory rape.

...........

What I find interesting is that: there are so many cases related to sex in the courtrooms. Some ridiculous cases too. Stuff you only see in the courtroom. Some are hard for the victim (especially if a rape victim has to testified in criminal court -that's a traumatizing experience), but most civil cases of that kind are simply... hilarious.

Oh well, law. :)

Cultural Context

2011-02-24T22:39:00.001-05:00

It's more natural for an English-as-native-language speaker to say

"I don't think that is right."

But it's more natural for an Asian-language-as-native-language speaker to say

"I think that is not right."

At least, the Asian languages I know of.

Fuck you very much

2011-02-24T16:42:00.001-05:00

Seriously, FUCKKKKK

FUCKKK

YOUUU

VERYY

VERYY VERYYYYY

MUCHHH

THANK YOU AND SHUT UP AND DISAPPEAR. KTHXBYE

The Road Not Taken

2011-02-22T17:20:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how things would be like otherwise.. To realize somethings things just are the way they are..

And it makes me think of this:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	1 5

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

There is something I'm almost dying to know, really wanting to find out, and I'm going to try my best to do so.

There is something I should stop worrying about, and try to take every challenge as an opportunity.

There is something I should appreciate.

How about a hug after a long, tired, defeated day moving on to two more long days?

It's freaking Tuesday.

On My Mind

2011-02-21T23:04:00.002-05:00

... which is a pretty lame topic: of course, it has to be on my mind so much for me to write it.

What happens when you make a mistake? A rhetorical question, I know. Well, that depends on if you know you made a mistake at the moment or not. If you know you made a mistake (or think you made one), you would probably feel bad/guilty about it. If you don't know (or think) you made a mistake, you would probably... not feel anything different about it...

Unless/until someone tells you.

When you are young, people tell you when you do something wrong. If you say a bad word, mom comes up and says, "Stop being rude!". If you hit someone, you are asked to apologize. If you play video games all day long and neglect your studies, your teacher probably punish you by making you do extra homework (or something along those lines).

What happens when you grow older? People stop telling you when you do something wrong. They stop criticizing you - except your closer friends. Nobody cares if you get drunk all weekend and just can't study for your midterm on Tuesday. Nobody cares if you get depressed and not go to any of your classes. In college, very few people care. Your close friends care about you, but often times, many people don't find very many close friends as they grow older. When you graduate and enter the workforce, even fewer people would actually care about you.

Many times, we end up making mistakes that we regret forever, because we would never have the chance to learn from them. When we were younger, people expect us to make mistakes. Well, we're young, ignorant, immature. We should make mistakes. But as we grow older, we are supposed to take responsibility for everything we do.

There is something that makes college hard for some people. There is something that makes being a teenager hard. We are expected to be adults and not make mistakes, while we have yet to come out of our experimenting and "making mistakes" shell.

Some people can try to be perfect. Many will just lose the race. Some will utterly fail it.

Sometimes I wish people can be more honest and open about criticizing. If somebody does something wrong, especially at work (or school), as an employer/teacher/work partner, I think it would only benefit all sides if you pat that person on the back, saying, "Hey, you did something wrong. That's okay. I just want you to know that. This is how you can change, and if this happens in the future, you can do this." You don't have to offer solutions to every problem, but at least inform the person who you think is making a mistake that there IS a mistake.

Sometimes it's hard to criticize people, especially if you are from a certain culture. I find Europeans more open to each other, and sometimes openly criticize each other. To others, this may seem rude, but it's a very honest culture. On the other hand, Asian culture tries to be honest, but people try to be so polite at the same time. To some, it may seem very "cultured", but it can prevent people from growing.

We all make mistakes every day. I try to learn from them, telling myself what to do if such a situation happens again. I know that many of those situations probably will not happen again in life, but at least I get the principles behind them to at least work through similar situations in the future.

Pretty amazed how much some things have changed me already, and glad that I found peace today.

May Peace be with You. And May God Bless You.

Today's Devotion

2011-02-20T15:08:00.003-05:00

I've been reading daily devotions. Sometimes the text puzzles me a bit, almost always it makes me more thoughtful/empathetic after reading, and often it makes me think.

Today's was about "peace".

"... You will not find lasting peace in the world around you, in circumstances, or in human relationships. The external world is always in flux - under the curse of death and decay. But there is a gold mine of Peace deep within you, waiting to be tapped...."

So, this world is not peaceful, from the eyes of a Christian. After all, there are wars in the name of God, one big example is the Crusades.

Maybe the world cannot be peaceful when there is religion. There will always be arguments over what religion is the "purest", or the "noble truth". In Christianity, whoever who believes and is baptized will be saved, while whoever who rejects Christ will be condemned (Mark 16:16). However, in Muslim, Allah is the only true God, and that anyone who says Christ is the Son of God will be condemned (Qur'an 5:72, 9:30). So, even if we go to heaven in one religion, we will end up in another religion's hell.

John Lennon sang a song "Imagine":

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Imagine a world without religion: would it really be better? I don't know. Maybe intrinsically, humans are bad and cause war. Maybe there can never be real peace in the world. Maybe real peace lies within God.

At least, that's what I think for now.

Imagining my neck getting better, hahaha.... =P

PRAY

2011-02-20T15:06:00.000-05:00

So that we'll be safe.

What made me happy yesterday

2011-02-16T10:47:00.003-05:00

When two people from different religious backgrounds starting talking about their views on a particular political situation (international), which is of high interest right now.

I'm glad to see open people like that.

It makes me feel worth it to actually live.

******************

And have I told you I think Watson is funny & cute?

Growing Old is Necessary, Growing Up is Optionalra

2011-02-16T10:41:00.002-05:00

听过朋友说这一句话，本来有点抗拒，后来却慢慢接受了。

有时候，真的不想长大。真的不想因为长大而让别人对我有更高的要求。

小时候，做错事没问题。反正人小，一定会犯错的。可是，长大以后就不一样了。18岁，你做的任何错事，你都必须负担。21岁，你已经算是成人了。

需要做大人。

需要知道自己要些什么。须要赚钱，做个有用的人。

可是？万一。。。。万一。。。我真的是个没有用的人？那怎么办？

不行啊，长大了。

**********************************

日本語授業をちょっと行って来ます。じゃあまた！

May Peace be with you

2011-02-07T22:33:00.002-05:00

Assalaamualaikum.

A simple Arabic greeting: May peace be with you. Unfortunately, there are people who say that it is a religious word, and should not be used by people not practicing the said religion.

Which is so not true.

I know many friends of that religion who think that it is perfectly fine for others to use that word. And in college Arabic classes, they teach that as one of the first words.

May Peace be with you, whatever you are doing.

Be at peace.

*****************************

As for me, I am enjoying the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. =D

Pray

2011-01-26T16:28:00.001-05:00

That I have confidence and trust in You, no matter what I do.

Amen.

Empty

2011-01-25T20:05:00.002-05:00

Told ya

Oh baby I have a feeling

2011-01-24T23:03:00.002-05:00

Westerners call people who were born in the 1980's and 1990's the "Generation Y".

I've heard about the Chinese saying "80 后", or "after the 80's, indicating people born in the 1980's.

That's the online territory.

Mark Zuckerberg created the multi-million Facebook. Along side, many people around that age have started companies online and hell yea, made a lot of money, one of my close friends included.

It's their world right now. They are in their 20's - early 30's.

But soon, in 5-10 years, it will be our turn. The 1990's.

What will we bring? How will we survive? I guess the better question would be: what can I do?

Oh baby I have a feeling tonight, I want to be philosophical and emo and just think my head out.

Didn't expect such a post for the topic, huh? ;)

What and not

2011-01-24T22:47:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, you don't know if it's worth it, holding on.

Sometimes, you don't know if you will be remembered at all, and if it matters at all.

Sometimes, on a lonely weekday night, you start thinking about all of this.

Oh well, goodnight.

On the Plane - An Experience to Share

2011-01-17T18:54:00.003-05:00

Last December, I flew alone internationally for the first time. The previous times, I always had family, friends, people I knew. This time was different. I had to rush to an event, and hence, left earlier than everyone else.

In London Heathrow airport, we heard that it was snowing outside. Many flights were cancelled, including flights to other EU countries and a flight to Hong Kong. I was afraid that the flight to Singapore would be cancelled, but it wasn't, and we boarded the plane. I felt slightly relieved.

When I booked my tickets, I booked two segments (by two different companies), for convenience and economy purposes: one to Singapore, and another one from Singapore to Malaysia (flights are more frequent and cheaper to Singapore from the West anyway).

When I boarded the plane, I was told that the flight would be delayed for about 1.5 hours, as the airport staff had to clear the runways for take off. I was shocked to hear that - my layover time in Singapore was about 2 hours! That means I might very well miss my flight back to Malaysia!

I stood up and asked the air steward if the plane would be delayed (in terms of arrival), and I told him my concern. He said he wasn't sure, but he would ask.

After a while, he came back to me, and he said, "Well, we can't tell if the plane would be delayed in terms of arrival..." I asked what would happen if the plane was to be delayed. What would happen to my next connecting flight? He said, "In the case that the flight was delayed, and you miss your next flight, we really cannot do anything, because you booked the segments separately."

I was alarmed. That meant I would miss the flight back home and be stranded in a foreign land!

The air steward continued to say, "Well, don't worry. We don't know if the flight will be delayed. It's hard to tell right now."

After an hour, the flight took off.

The flight time was 12 hours.

I had no idea what to do.

I could not call my parents to tell them I might miss the plane back home & would be stranded in Singapore. I could not get a satisfiying answer that would calm me.

Next to me was a couple who was more interested in talking to each other and holding hands than looking at me.

I was upset.

I had tears in my eyes.

What would I do? I thought. I could be up here and worry for 12 hours, or I could just... let it be for now. I thought to myself: I have no control over what would happen. I felt very tempted to run into the cockpit and steer the plane myself, but it was just illogical.

So I watched a movie, and slept for 8 hours.

In the end, the flight was delayed by an hour. I rushed to the next counter, and found out that my next flight was delayed too. What a surprise. I was not late for the flight; in fact, I was early.

That time, it worked out. Sometimes it doesn't. But we'll all be alright, in the end. If my flight arrived late and I missed the next flight, it would not have been the end of the world. There's always flight insurance, and Singapore is really close to Malaysia, so getting a connecting flight would not be that hard and expensive.

Sometimes in life, we can prepare as much as we like, and do as much as we want to do, but we'll never find out until the time comes. You have no idea till then.

But I thought it was a good experience. A darn good one. I don't think I'll forget it easily.

Distance

2011-01-12T10:00:00.002-05:00

Why do two angry people shout at each other?

Why do two people in love whisper to each other?

A wise teacher once said:

"Two angry people shout at each other because their hearts are apart. When your hearts are apart, you have to shout for the other person to be able to listen."

Walking down the street, we see couples hand in hand, whispering to each other. Softly, sweetly. When two people are in love, their hearts are close to one another, so there is no need to shout. A whisper is sufficient to communicate with one another.

The wise teacher said:

"Sometimes, people in love don't even have to whisper. They can just look into each other's eyes, and know exactly what the other person wants to say. This is because their hearts are so close to one another, that even whispering is unnecessary."

Next time, if you're angry and want to shout at the person you love, remember that shouting only increases the distance between two hearts. Be soft, be gentle, and the hearts far away will come together again. :)

总是

2010-12-30T11:26:00.002-05:00

总是很多事情一旦过去，就会渐渐被我们忘记。

总是有些朋友，慢慢地会因为忙碌渐渐离去。

总是有些心情，下一个天亮来临后就会忘记。

总是有一些回忆，可能痛苦可能甜蜜，不过会牢牢记在心里，想起的时候，不免会说一句：“我生存到现在，是奇迹！”

睡觉吧。。。

蛛丝马迹

2010-12-29T03:30:00.003-05:00

刚刚找到一些蛛丝马迹，然后把图片拼起来。。。

真的有一点感慨。

感慨当时没有发现。感慨曾经的伤害。感慨美丽的花瓶没有内涵（呵呵，有一点老套）。。。

真的有一点伤心。

不过又能做什么？失去的总是失去了。我还是要看未来。

能够收留就让我收留。如果她不留住，那也只能够选择离开。

Fluffy

2010-12-12T19:48:00.001-05:00

Now, isn't it sooo cute and fluffy???

Soooo adorable.

Good distraction too =P

The Biggest Hurdle: Revisited

2010-12-09T11:24:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, you focus so much on one thing, that it becomes your life. You put in the long hours, the effort.... and when it comes to an end, you get lost. You break down.

Sometimes, you get carried away by other stuff. You miss something important, and you feel bad about it when you realize, and you try to avoid it. The next time it comes out, you miss it again, and you feel bad about it again. The cycle repeats.

Sometimes, when you have to make a quick decision, you panic (or not), and realize after that that you made the wrong decision. Had you known, really, had you known earlier, you would have done otherwise. You sigh.

I think the biggest hurdle in all these situations is the "lack of awareness".

Sometimes we are caught in the past. We think that something is "definitely going to happen" or "definitely not going to happen" based on past experience. Because of the preconditioning, we find it hard to accept circumstances otherwise. We think that because we missed something in the past, there is no point changing it in the future. Granted, harm done in the past cannot be fixed, but harm done in the future can be prevented.

Sometimes we are caught in the moment. We think that achieving pleasure in the moment is everything that we neglect the future. As a child, we have overslept and missed a test/game we later regret. We have overeaten and then realized our tummy is going to hurt. We are affected by emotions when we have to make a quick decision. Staying in the moment is important, but there is always the future to consider.

Sometimes we are caught in the future. We think that it's okay to be so stressed out about the "A" and "A-" we get in Organic Chemistry, because if we stress so much to get the "A", we stand a higher chance to get into med school (and we break down if we don't get in the med school of our choice after all these hard work). We try to deprive ourselves of the moment to make up for the future. But the future never comes, and satisfaction is never achieved.

What happens if we have a little more awareness?

We would know that the past has happened, and nothing can change. The emotional harm happened cannot be undone. What we can do in the present and the future is to learn from the mistakes, and not let the same harm happen again. The past successes would not mean anything. Achieving a certain milestone does not mean that we stop doing everything. If so, we would live on emptiness after every goal.

We would know that the present should be cherished, but the future should be taken into account as well. No sane person would think that being high on drugs is a good idea, given the withdrawal symptoms after that. Acknowledge that the present used to be the future, and will be the past. Appreciate everything that happen in the present, and cherish every moment, but do not hope to just live in the moment - because what you do right now WILL have an effect on what will happen to you in the future.

We would know that the future should be anticipated, but it should not be the end goal. Remember, the future never comes. What we think of "future" today will be the "past" in a week. After each event we hope to pass, there will be more hurdles to cross. There will be more races to run.

Short note on being aware: sometimes it might bring us unhappiness, when we know "too much about what we should not know". Sometimes we wish we don't know certain things (stop and think about it). However, instead of wishing something doesn't happen (dwelling on the past), why not work with what you have, and incorporate it in the present.

A friend once said: acknowledge that everyone is going to hurt you, but don't run away anyway. I think that was one of the most mature thoughts I've heard.

How do you bring forth more awareness into life?

1. With every second, acknowledge your presence, and what you are doing.

2. Meditate

3. Consider all options, realize the circumstances, and choose the optimum point.

4. If you don't have a choice (have to make decisions quick) and fail, don't dwell on them. Instead, acknowledge them and learn from them.

A guy told me that "nothing is a true failure if you have learned something from them". Very true.

5. Be thankful for what you have, not what you don't have.

6. Think about more points about awareness and add into this discussion!

Inspiration

2010-12-06T21:28:00.000-05:00

Thanks Dad, for inspiring me.

I'm a dragon who breathes fire.

It's always good to get lit up and get warm in the winter. Now to move on and sprintttttt with all this energy. So pumped, so pumped.

Here we go...

FUCK

2010-12-01T21:51:00.001-05:00

FUCK

FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

that's all I wanna say. Now shut up.

Close my eyes and pray

2010-11-21T20:52:00.002-05:00

I apologize because it was me.

I let you down so many times. I didn't mean to but it just happened... kinda like what you did before, but I affected you.

I do question it a lot: why does it happen? How do I deal with it? I know I should try hard. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I slack off.

Maybe I need time to grow up - just like how you grew up.

I feel like a kid inside: the way I behave. I know I'm immature and unreasonable. I know I'm being egocentric - this has never come out like that so much before until now though.

I don't know why.

Some say maybe I'm homesick. Some say there's something I have not solved. Some say I need time to reflect on myself. Some even say it's a psychological disorder.

I really should not be unhappy at all. I really have no reason to be so stressed out at all. I really have no reason to slack at all.

But I feel so demotivated this semester. DEMOTIVATED.

I really want to just close my eyes and pray. MEDITATE. Sleep earlier. Exercise. The usual stuff we all know, but few of us follow. I've gotten myself all over the place this semester. I've gotten my life upside down this year.

I guess what I'm really glad is that I have you by my side. You supported me when I needed it. I'm really glad you got stronger this semester. I hadn't support you as much as you did last semester. Should I be upset about it? I guess not.

Because I love you.

And I know that God is watching us.

That's how our love died

2010-10-30T22:46:00.004-04:00

Have you ever been so good at something, or liked something so much, but something happened, and now you don't do it anymore?

Take a minute and reflex. I'm sure you have. Everyone has. What happened to the passion? What happened to what we care about?

********************************

One of the typical scenarios, which would be familiar to Asians but not to Westerners, is that art is forbidden and you-should-do-math. In Asian culture, science and math is emphasized so much that children who show a natural flaw for art get discouraged at a young age. (That's why if you watch an Asian drama, you might find plots like "musically-talented kid couldn't play the flute anymore because his daddy wants him to do math")

Your parents tell you off every time you show them a masterpiece. Every time you draw, or write, you wonder: is it worth it anymore to try? So we stop trying. We stop trying what we were curious about, which with proper practice, might become a talent.

If at a young age, you were very empathetic and loving, but as a boy, your older brother tells you that you should be "rough and tough". Confused, you want to fit in the crowd. You want the older kids to like you, so you started to be less "sissy". You start to be robust. You start to forget what you have enjoyed so much, because it was worthless.

We stop trying. We stop.

***********************************

Humans function on an incentive pathway. At least, scientists have discovered the reward pathways in our nervous systems. Simply put, if we do something and get "rewarded", or "accepted" for it, we would keep on doing it to trigger the rise in endorphine levels in our body. We want to feel good - most of us (although there are masochists, they actually feel good by torturing themselves). If we do something, and get punished for it, our brain automatically associates the two events together:

"Doing Action X = Pain; therefore I shouldn't do Action X"

If we lack support, we stop trying, because that simply wastes energy. Humans are essentially efficient animals (or we try to be). If a pathway uses too much energy but produces none, we simply avoid it.

Sadly, we are often discouraged by people we care(d) about - our parents, family, teachers, friends, people, etc. We would be passionate about something. We would have great ideas and would really like to carry them out, but someone might come along and say, "That doesn't work man."

Or that person might be us ourselves. I had an interesting conversation some time ago about the difference between an "idealist" and a "rational". A rational is not a person with no ideals. Rather, he/she pauses with every dream/fantasy, trying to figure out if it would actually work. If a rational thinks that something would probably not work, he/she stops trying.

Some of us are rationals - born or influenced - we stop ourselves from trying. How many times have we heard that we're not that good for something? Sometimes, it is really sheer luck. I read Malcom Gladwell's "Outliers" some time ago, and it really explains this phenomena in the first chapter (it all starts with a little bit of luck).

Anyway.

I like rambling too much. I don't know if some things are worth pursuing. Sometimes I just stop, if I find them worthless. This is to conserve my energy for other things. At the end of the day, we really don't want to waste our lives for nothing. (This is not entirely true. We would have learned SOMETHING, but what I mean is that: is it better doing this thing or another thing which would be more productive?)

Ourselves or other people. No matter where the force comes from, if it comes in the opposite direction, we lose our inertia. We stop trying. We stop.

That's how our love died.

Upsetting

2010-10-21T22:03:00.002-04:00

OK this is life.

Pretty upsetting.

Underaccomplished.

There are some things I just dislike, and it's pretty irrational. Like I think we have too much of those. Yes, and those.

I know we need a balance, that's why we have some of those. But those are so different than what I would prefer.

Oh alright, study to escape the world.

Talking on the phone

2010-10-21T08:05:00.003-04:00

I feel shitty after talking on the phone for a long time.

It's just so hard.

It's so hard when you're talking but you don't see the other person. You hear his/her voice and words, but you don't know what it actually means.

Most of my attention went to trying to get used to talking on the phone, or hearing the other person (voice quality isn't always great), and not the conversation itself.

I rather not. I rather speak in person.

Oh, gosh. Gahhh.

Would you say I made a mistake?

Chillout. Sit back. Relax.

2010-10-17T21:03:00.002-04:00

I watched a video about Ze Frank today. One of the funniest things I've seen in a while.

This song is especially cute.

I think I've listened to it for at least 20 times now! =P Excellent low cost remix ;)

*******************************

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by life. So much to do that it's easy to fall in the matrix of doing stuff and not thinking. Some of us feel stressed up and unhappy. I say some, because I know of people who rarely feel stressed out. I hate to categorize people, but I read an article (shared by a friend) which actually makes inferences about stress levels based on people's personality types (proposed by psychologists, of course).

Anyway.

I, for one, like to "get stuff done". When there is too much on my plate, the best way for me to deal with it is to ask, "how do I eat all of them?"

Sometimes though, you don't have to eat everything. You'll get stuffed. A good friend told me he has these words in his room: "You don't have to do everything".

Recognize that everything you do IS a choice. You have other choices, which bring forth other results - but you chose to do what you are doing, because of previous choices, or probably because it will give you better choices in the future.

So, when you feel down and stressed, remember:

Right now it feels like God forgot to turn the light on

And things that looked so good yesterday are now shades of gray

And it seems like the world is spanning while I'm standing still

Or maybe I am spanning I can't tell

And then you say

"Hey, you're okay

You'll be fine

Just breathe"

*******************

Really. Just breathe. You won't die if you breathe. Well, unless you're breathing in carbon dioxide.... Then again, we don't have many Apollo 13's going on, do we?

SIck

2010-10-03T12:50:00.002-04:00

My best friend fell sick. Not only my best friend. In fact, many people fell sick recently.

I am upset - upset about the amount of work we have. Do you think our workload made us ill? Maybe? Maybe not? I don't know.

I am upset- upset about the stress we have.

I am upset - upset about the burden I have to carry.

WHy - why must I be bleak? Why can't I look at life differently and grin?

Why - why must I be so far away from home?

I think I am more homesick than any kind of sick. How?

Unfortunate

2010-09-27T20:47:00.000-04:00

It is unfortunate that I don't enjoy life as a student here.

Why why why why why? =(

We are all lonely creatures

2010-09-26T10:40:00.002-04:00

It's raining outside. Maybe that's why I'm emo.

Or maybe that's how I give myself excuses to not go out, stay in my room on the top floor, look out, and breathe.

We are all lonely creatures, really. We wake up, wash up, and head off to whatever we do, come back, sleep, and the day begins again.

Oh well. I guess my biggest problem is that, sometimes I don't have the sense of urgency. When my complacency level is too low, I sometimes don't feel motivated to do things - even things I think I should be responsible for. And then I feel bad, and try to run away.

I end up very lonely.

很安静

2010-08-03T19:30:00.000-04:00

这里很爱静。

如果的如果的如果。

想散散步吗？

Organic chemistry: the mechanism song

2010-08-01T16:41:00.006-04:00

(tune: Oh when the saints go marching in)

Oh when you can
Oh when you can
Pull hydrogen off my bonds
Pull it off, and look for electrons
And put another H on me.

Oh when you see
Oh when you see
Oh when you see charges on me
Look and draw resonance structures
And take charge away from me

Oh when you can
Oh when you can
Grab hydrogen with my bonds
Grab it tight
And let molecules leave

And then I form a smelly salt

=P =P =P

好想好想

2010-07-21T20:58:00.003-04:00

突然发现，好久好久都没有真正抒发我的感情。

很纳闷，真的很纳闷。

是我想太多吗？那么，我为什么会想那么多？

好想好好地睡一觉，醒来，然后发现自己其实还是很快乐。

好想好好地吃一顿饭，然后发现自己其实还是可以感受的。

好想紧紧地拥抱，然后发现自己其实还是活着的。

是日复一日的忙碌吗？还是自己的不满足？还是，我的晚餐不够丰富？

好想好想，就大哭一场。

East and West

2010-06-06T12:44:00.002-04:00

Some time ago (or long time ago), a friend told me about socialism, and I began to observe the traits of a socialistic society around me.

Just this morning, making pancakes for breakfast for me and my dear roommate, I realized something about socialism in East and West cultures.

First, let me explain socialism. Basically, from my definition, socialism is when everyone shares profit/loss together. This is a very vague/not accurate description. I hope to link my friend's paper about socialism here one day.

One example: right now in this capitalism society, some people tend to get more than they do. The richest man gets paid 1000x more per hour than the poorest man. Yet, the richest man only sits in his office, while the poorest man might be working under the sun, sweeping the streets you walk on.

Arguably, you say, the richest man offers something which is extremely important to society. He might be the CEO of a company, which affects the economy of the world. Nevertheless, how about the poor man? Is sweeping streets not important? In this current society, we litter so much that if nobody bothers to clean up after us, we would see tonnes of trash by the roadside whenever we walk... down the street to the grocery store.

Not a pleasant sight, huh. And it is not much better when you know that these trash attracts parasites, which would soon spread diseases - and we fall ill.

We visit hospitals and health care, focusing our money primarily on those things.

Funny how we would say that the poorest man's job would not influence society.

Anyway.

**************************************

I realized something about the way western (aka Europe + American) people eat, which is very different from the way the eastern (Asia) people eat.

Scenario one: Typical American Restaurant

A family of four walks in the restaurant, sits down and the waiter brings the menu. The father orders a steak, the mother orders a salad, while the daughters decided that they would each other a variety of pasta.

Food is served. Father realizes food is insufficient for him, so he orders a side dish of bread. After the meal, they each order a serving of dessert.

Meal is over. The family walks out of the restaurant, leaving the two daughter's plates unfinished: there was just too much pasta for the 12-year-olds!

Scenario two: Typical Chinese Restaurant

A family of four walks in the restaurant, sits down, and the waiter takes the order. The father asks everyone what kind of dishes everyone prefers, and then proceeds to order stir fry beef, omelets, and stir fry vegetables.

Food is served. The dishes and rice are placed in the middle, while every person is served a small bowl of rice. The family starts eating, sharing the very same plate of stir fry beef, or omelet, or vegetables.

Father ate more, while the daughters ate the least. However, the dishes were finished, in the end. Sometimes, when they are not, father asks for a container to bring them back - for the next meal.

**********************************

It puzzles me: if the same western family walks into an asian restaurant, they would probably end up ordering a "main course" (stir fry beef, etc) each. If the same Asian family walks into a western restaurant, they would have probably ordered several dishes, and then put them into the middle and share them.

Well, people would look at the Asian family and say, "oh, that's so Asian. Sharing dishes."

Of course, these cases are extreme. I think though, I would much prefer to live like the Asian family. When you have something, bring it to the table. Your members can choose whether they want to take the things or not. If nobody takes them, you gather them up, and save them for the next time.

Take just enough for yourself, and think about other people as well.

In big Asian weddings, people who do not know each other share the same dish in the middle! How about in western (American) cultures?

Just a random thought for you to think about... :)

放下

2010-05-13T12:51:00.000-04:00

一个人找到一个和尚倾诉他的心事。

　　他说：“我放不下一些事，放不下一些人。”
　　
　　和尚说：“没有什么东西是放不下的。” 　
　
　　他说：“这些事和人我就偏偏放不下。”
　　
　　和尚让他拿着一个茶杯，然后就往里面倒热水，一直倒

到水溢出来。

他被烫到，马上松开了手。
　　
　　和尚说：“这个世界上没有什么事是放不下的，痛了，你自然就会放下。”

This familiar way I feel

2010-05-08T22:42:00.003-04:00

extremely extremely familar

extremely extremely surprised

extremely extremely provoking

Like I have seen before.

Tell me what's it that is going on - why do I feel the way I feel?

Who are you? I feel like I have seen you before. And do I know you? Do I? You seem too real.

Why is your name so familiar? Whereee have I seen you?

I think I remember. I think I do.

I lost my identity - long time ago.

Who am I? What am I? When am I going to be

- what am I going to be?

Peace. Silence.

Let the wind be. I'm flowing.

Education

2010-04-04T15:34:00.003-04:00

Honestly I wanted to study for my Chemistry Test 2, but I was so caught up after reading this article that I just sat back and thought a lot.

Sorry for my rambling. I've never been so disorganized like this piece.

I don't even know how to start with this topic. Child prodigies. Little geniuses. Extremely clever people. I first felt sorrow for them: almost all of these children enter college at a young age, and then that's the end of their intelligent and creative lives. That is why many child prodigies grow up to be "average" people.

Don't judge how much a child can do. How much creativity they have! How bright their eyes are, untainted by the smears of our world's possessions! How beautiful their thoughts are: especially these clever little ones. They read at this tender age, paint impeccably at this young age. They solve complicated math problems, write ingenious books, invent numerous other things. They are gifted.

But we don't own them. They might be biologically born to us, but we do not own them. Jesus is a child prodigy, but he never belonged to either Mary or Joseph. I guess that is why he could change the world, turn the world upside down. (Note: I don't think there is a difference between changing the world towards the "better" or the "worse". After all, "good" or "bad" is relative. I love Hitler, Stalin, Mao ze-dong, and even some political leaders I hate, because they are revolutionary. Anyone who changes the world, no matter to good or bad, is someone I look up to. Period.)

My mother used to show me pictures of these clever and "high-achieving" children when I was really little. She would show me the 12-year-old who invented some kind of stuff with her father, and I would get all jealous. My father was a child prodigy: he topped the country with numerous academic prizes, never gotten anything below number 1 in class, and won prizes in mathematics. My mother was not. I don't know how she married this extremely clever guy, and somehow got me as a firstborn child.

However, my dad had been busy with work, and did not "train" us enough for various academic competitions, contrary to what my mother thinks it should be. Hence, I got all jealous because daddy did not push me to what I could be. I was bright and smart in every way: entering college when I was 16, and when was in high school, held many officer posts, YET at the same time, living life with friends 2-3 years older than me, perfectly fine. I have, however, not given the chance to participate in "fun stuff" that some parents pay a lot for their children, such as acting camps and singing classes.

I know many friends who are now relatively famous actors, actresses, singers, and "pop stars", because of what their parents made them to do. Some of them say that is what they like to do, but they were never given a chance to think. How do they know that is what they want to do? Or, does it matter what they want to do anyway? After all, we just do things. Emotions are a waste of time.

I realized there are several topics I mentioned above, which I would like to write about. Writing them here as a reminder to myself:

1. Parenting guide.
(No, not yet a parent. My mom would chuckle when she sees this. She always tells me not to tell her how to be a mom, but I think I know the spirit how. And if my child wants to teach me how to be a mom, I'll let him/her do so. After all, he/she knows better than I do :P)

2. Emotions are not necessary, but it's okay to have them
(We waste a lot of time in unnecessary emotions and drama and relationships. I strive for an ideal society without emotions, where everything just happens, without petty details like how someone got dumped by another, etc. I know it is very contradictory with what I said about "revolution": people who revolutionize usually live with a great hell of emotions. However, I don't really mind if I don't have emotions. Sure, I have passion sometimes, but emotions do not dwell forever. It is nice to look back at memories and pretend to be sad, caught up in some really sad drama. But I prefer to just live, walk, do stuff, revolutionize, change the world/turn the world upside down.

Some adults are so afraid we would turn the world upside down. They are just too attached to the world they have built. Honestly, the world does not belong to us. If someone tries to change the world into a place completely different from what I do, I will talk with the person, and maybe set off in the same direction. I don't even mind if the next generation or generations ahead change the world I have changed, because I have changed it, and it does not belong to me.

It just is...)

3. Formal education v.s. informal education
(In this context, I will be talking about schools, and how bad an influence they have on us. I will show certain examples of friends or yet to be friends and how formal schools were so bad on them that they dropped out, but they were still excellent people. Also, why did schools evolve to be so? )

Two rather important things which occurred in the past two days:

1. A distinguished professor said, "Think about what you want to do. Don't rush into research, or you might be a technician for life." I can write a series about that.

2. I have been refusing to become a person who does abstract things, so I never looked highly at abstract majors, like international relations, economics, sociology, or even computer science. Even science. I thought that doing something concrete, such as manufacturing or plantation, would be more beneficial to the world.

However, I realized that these abstract things are necessary, because until we eliminate emotions entirely from the human race, we would still need emotions, and these abstract things are necessary to keep people happy.

Having said that, I rather be an abstract person right now. Who knows the brain can even control more things than you know?

*****************************

Okay, that's the end. Whoever who finishes reading this, thank you. I think I am satisfied for now, to be reading classical mechanics and quantum mechanics.

I'm about to think more: proposing the theory that thinkers are detrimental to the improvement of the society, but I'll stop for now. Not until I talk with someone else about that.

Can I be alone?

"We all are basically alone" - Andrew Bird.

无措

2010-03-20T11:39:00.002-04:00

亲爱的你、我曾经爱上过的你，

你还好吗？其实，不用说，我已经知道答案了。无意中看到了你的blog。那儿有很多你的感触、你的无奈。1、2 年前，我又何尝不是那样呢？

我的心很烦乱。我真的不知道如何开始。也许因为主角是你吧！在我17岁生日时打扰我的心的你。在疯狂的暧昧以后，突然说起伤害你的女生：你的女朋友。可是，你不知道，当时的你伤害我有多深？真的，17岁那年，是你伤害最深。可是，我感激。“想念”的主角，真的是你。

在理性地分析前，我必须先把心中的话告诉你。我有点惊奇：无神论的你突然说起上帝。不过，这得却是好事。有一回，在我离开以后，你叮咛我千万别把你忘了。我怎么会忘记？怎么会？尽管我任性不承认。你最后说的话，是：＂我很欣赏你。”那时的我，突然感动。明知道不应该感动，眼眶却湿透了。

你说的“心情控制”，其实我在２年前已经体验过了。那时的我，真的控制自己怎么感受。后来，发现这不是最好的方法，　因为我在欺骗自己。我曾经忘记如何感受，忘了喜怒哀乐。真的，在１个星期前，我才突然有了心情。我发现，其实能够感受是好事。不应该尝试控制自己。应该让该发生的发生。可是，别让心情控制你。

这，也许是他们说的“中庸之道”。

你也提到了你“没有目标”。不知道应该盼望什么，不知道应该期待什么。可是朋友啊，我们如果生活在盼望里，那真的不是因为自己而活，而是因为盼望而活。亲爱的你，如果没有期待，我不会要求你找一个期待，虽然大家都那么想－虽然你应该会悄悄盼望我带给你期待。没有欲望，这才是“无毒一身轻”啊！

祈祷吧，朋友！现在的你相信了上帝。没有宗教是绝对的，我也不会问你到底属于哪个宗教。听过博爱吗？我的婶婶今天说了一句话：“如果大家可以这样，世界就天下太平”。可是，她不认为大家可以这样。我相信，有一天，我们会这样。可是：１，　我们还不是那样。２，　我害怕那天的到来。

我想念你的音乐，想念你的拥抱，想念你的温柔。

可是，想念又有什么用？

我微笑。祝福你，朋友。

小龙女

Daddy, I want you to know.

2010-03-20T11:08:00.007-04:00

Daddy,

Yesterday, when you were talking with me before we got cut off by my work responsibilities, you said,"do you know how to start those researches?"

Well, the research you's talking about is labeled "downstream research" (thanks to great friend Deng for telling me that term), where people take existing technologies, modify them, and mass produce them. That's how people get rich: easily and fast. But that's no new discoveries. It's simply taking pieces of already present puzzles, and putting them together. Cut them into smaller pieces, modify them here and there, but you still get the same picture.

"Upstream research", on the other hand, is quite the opposite. It is the driving force and raw material for "downstream research". These researchers, some of them may spend their lifetimes trying to discover something. Some of them may be lucky, like perhaps Marie Curie, and get awarded nobel prizes. However, the majority of these researchers and scientists would "pose an economical threat" to their families.

How then, can major research make you rich and famous?

What about "downstream research"? These researchers can never get famous, because it's a team collaboration, and not individual outshine. Yes, maybe they can get rich, but definitely not as rich as business tycoons. Furthermore, the "famous" ones are usually not downstream researchers. Well, I cannot even name any. But I can name people who have made groundbreaking researches. Everyone knows Albert Einstein. Everyone knows Issac Newton. Everyone knows Charles Darwin. Everyone knows Thomas Edison.

Hah. Thomas Edison. This is a great guy to elaborate more on. Did he really invent everything patented under his name? NO! Hell, no! Edison is a better businessman than a researcher. However, I'd say he's selfish (a bit like me). I don't deny that I'm selfish. If you, who are reading this, say that you are selfless, you are lying. Human nature is selfish. Even those who claim not to be selfish are selfish, for the claim itself is exclusive, which makes its claimer selfish. Edison is selfish, also based on the fact that he married twice to continue his research (check him out if you don't believe me). A true scientist would not have put his/her own sexual desires above scientific work; a true scientist is curious and project-driven. I think many would agree with me that Edison is more of a businessman.

My points are simple: you don't prosper and get famous by doing research. Yes, you may prosper by doing downstream research, and you may get famous by doing upstream research. But honestly, you only get both by being a businessman, or a politician. Not a researcher.

Dad, if you think that research would make you rich and famous, that's what you see from the drug companies. Many of us don't know how they really operate inside. I will go and intern in one someday, and tell you about it. But I can already imagine. Hard-working scientists don't get paid as much. Executive positions get more than $500/hour. That would not be surprising.

I've never been in the research field but that's what I see from my interactions with my mentors. You research only because you're really curious.

Dad, if I ever get a lab and start research, that's because I'm really curious. Not because of anything else.

And that's what people call me.

John 3:16 || You

2010-03-17T09:34:00.002-04:00

There are two parts to this blog entry. I have no idea if they are related.. yet.

John 3:16

Yesterday was March 16 (3/16).

After work at 5, I sat outside the library, reading a book.

I looked up, and a white guy who passed by smiled at me. I didn't know him. I smiled back. Later, an asian guy passed by, and I smiled at him. No response. Two asian women passed by separately. Grim faces.

Racial differences? Maybe? Maybe Asian people are grimmer. As soon as I said this, a white lady and a black lady passed by. I smiled at them but the shyly looked away.

What's wrong?

A white guy and a Japanese guy stopped to talk with me. Then, a Korean guy (or a guy who spoke Korean on the phone) walked down the stairs, saw me, and waved "hello". I didn't know him, but he looked familiar, so I smiled to him.

It just surprises me how guys are generally friendlier to me.

What's wrong with girls?

That's why it's hard for me to relate to girls, especially Asian girls. I have very few close Asian female friends.

That was John 3:16.. Ok?

******************************

You

I don't understand why some people, when in a relationship, forget about everything.

I mean, yes, you love your girlfriend. Maybe you're obsessed with her. But that doesn't mean you have to neglect your friends.

Oh well. Maybe it's just me.

Money

2010-03-14T13:53:00.001-04:00

Cousin told me something which made me think about money.

My grandpa, who has a stroke, is only being kept alive because of money - money to buy equipment so that he can still breath, get nutrients, and stay alive.

Question is: is he still then considered alive?

What is "alive"?

Is money important.

Open discussion.

Changing the World

2010-02-24T15:20:00.001-05:00

Do you know how people change the world?

They do it by not being comfortable.

我想

2010-02-20T11:44:00.003-05:00

"Life is not easy" - the only thing I remember from "Finding Nemo"

奇怪的是，我从来没有看过这部戏。其实，也没什么兴趣想看，所以就算了。

我想，到底什么重要。我现在做的事情吗？我深呼吸的每一刻吗？我遇见的人吗？

许多先进社会的孩子像温室里的小花，从不担心温室以外发生的事情。对，我活在现在，并不是活在未来。可是，如果不看看环境发生的事情，又怎么明白社会？

我的眼睛不满足。

“学生，最重要是读书。”这是长辈们告诉我们的，对吗？9个月前，一个前军人改变了我的想法。至今，我不知道他的身份。可是，我想遇见他。

“你的教育是谁设定的？还不是靠政治？还不是靠经济？没有经济，你的课本怎么来的？你的教育呢？"

突然发现，原来教育也要钱啊。想想，我的父母真的很幸运拥有我。尤其这个社会，当什么都需要钱。教育需要钱？那真的太好笑了。

所以，2年前，我差点当了驻唱歌手。

hector他说得对:太富有，或则太贫穷的人都无法改变世界。只有平凡人才能够。

钱永远是一个问题。为什么？我不愁钱。不过，如果我需要，我一定会得到钱。那是生存的支柱啊。

头脑有点乱了。最近一直在想这个问题。。。我还是不明白，为什么教育需要钱？

这些问题让我头痛。。。我想，我还是先读化学清清头脑。。。

幸运

2010-02-18T18:10:00.001-05:00

有些人就是有比较幸运的背景。

有的人靠自己的双手改变世界。

什么是幸运?那是什么？

我不明白。。。我不明白。。

我疲累的心，能够支撑多久？

Greek words for love

2010-02-15T07:59:00.002-05:00

Because I've been going around talking about this.

In ancient Greek, there are four words for love.

Agape: Unconditional love

Eros: Sexual love

Philia: Friendship love

Storge (pronounced as "store-gay"): Familial love

I'll expand on each category once I have time.

There is another category I just found out: true love. :) It can only be felt. Anyone who knows greek wants to pin this term? :)

Everyone needs to love.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T19:53:00.003-05:00

Funny heh, I've been posting about valentine's day twice in two years.

Two days ago, I told someone that Valentine's day is a conspiracy (well, in response to his statement of conspiracy). Then today, I see people giving out free condoms. It was so funny and awkward. A man just shoved two condoms into his bag. A woman shrugged and said, "well, might as well."

And she took one as well.

A tall athlete came in and said, "hey, that's useful".

Strangely enough.

I have never approved of sex before marriage, or in other terms, sex before two people are committed to each other. Today somebody gave me a good reason why.

"You become too attached to the other person in an unhealthy way," my close friend said. We started thinking about our friends' relationships.

Reminds me of the movement in Malaysia right now, about "No sex on valentine's". I wonder if there are more babies born in late October-mid November because too many people have sex on Valentine's.

I, for one, am in the category.

*dumbfounded*

Anyway, you get my point. Don't have sex on Valentine's day unless you are completely aware of the consequences. I challenge you.

Should I trust him?

2010-02-11T16:08:00.002-05:00

Honestly I don't know whether to trust him.

He did the titration and told me a value, and I wrote it down, trusting him. And now he's telling me it's different. And asked me to change to value.

I am sick and tired. He always tells me not to worry.

Does he even know the pain sometimes, inside me?

Does he even care when he says those words?

Should I really trust him?

!!

2010-02-09T14:40:00.002-05:00

Because I am too stressed out by Chemistry Lab Report.

Snow week
Snow week
Maybe just a little bit
Staying In
Showering
Snow Week really makes me think

Yea it does, really.

This year, I don't want to see no love.

Those I wrote about last valentine's, please love each other right now.
Those I have not written about, please do so too.

WORK WORK WORK WORK IS CONSUMING ME!

Can someone please help me??

MCQ V.S. Open Ended Responses

2010-02-07T14:26:00.002-05:00

Throughout my life, for 18 years, I have never liked Multiple Choice Questions. I have always liked Open Ended Responses, and have always done better in the later.

Recently, I was asked this question again: why do you prefer Open Ended Responses to Multiple Choice Ones? Many people prefer Multiple Choice Questions because all you do is pick an answer out of 3, 4, or 5 possible answers, and mark the "correct" or "most appropriate" blank black.

To answer this question, I will have to include a tiny bit of probability, a bit of sociology, and some analogies.

One first glance would tell you that in a MCQ, you stand a higher probability of getting a question right, particularly because you have a 1/3, 1/4, or 1/5 chance in getting the answer right, while in an Open End Response, you can hardly predict the verity of the statement you put forward.

However, there is no "absolute right" or "best answer" in an open ended response. You write an answer based on facts. And what are facts? They are a series of events linked logically together. As long as you can reason something out - and humans usually can find a reason for everything (I will write about this some other time) - you can pretty much convince a person.

Also, in an Open Ended Response, you can connect the dots: connect ideas and people. You can give examples. You can elaborate to make your point. You can brush your ideas on paper, illustrating them vividly.

You can make connections.

These are all not present in Multiple Choice Questions.

You either get it right, or wrong. It is either true, or false.

That is why I can never major in Computer Science. Execution of statements based on binomial conditions, and a finite number of conditions.

So similar yet so different.

******************************

On a side note, I am really glad to meet someone today :) The sense of connectedness. :)

So white

2010-02-07T09:51:00.003-05:00

I've never seen so much snow my life.

Never. Ever. Well, not until yesterday.

My first reaction when I woke up: SNOW on my window?

My first reaction when I stepped outside: OH MY GOSH, and when my friend jumped into the snow pile, I just STARED at him.

My first reaction walking in snow: well, this is a bit too much.

Heh. But it wasn't THAT cold.

I am impressed by myself for walking out in the snow with only leggings (which confused some of my friends because they don't look like leggings), sport shoes, and a sweater! Well, and a thick coat my friend lent me for a while.

I came to realize that it was not cold outside; it was just me. I thought it would be cold, so I was afraid that it would be cold. But it turned out to be alright.

Well, no frost bites! You must be proud of me =D

So, so, so white, outside. Now.

Who are we?

2010-02-06T19:12:00.003-05:00

Saturday evening conversations, while it's white and fluffy outside (and maybe dark, since it's 7pm). I'm used to getting dark early nowadays, so much that I'm afraid how I'd adapt when it gets dark late.

Recently I miss home too much. Why? Why? Why?

So Kyp and I had a very interesting conversation, and I really like this story:

"the set of all sets that are members of all sets, but are not members of themselves"

*********************

there was a barber in a small town [every writer comes up with a different small town]

He was asked to cut everyone's hair, but with certain conditions

He couldn't cut the hair of people who normally cut their own hair

and nobody else is allowed to cut hair for others

ie: either you cut your own hair, or you went to this barber

the question was: what does the barber do about his own hair?

hence: the set of all sets that are members of all sets, but are not members of themselves

Today

2010-02-05T00:52:00.001-05:00

I don't know if I have forgotten the crush once so deep.

It came back to me today, unexpectedly. It makes me sad that I still like him that way. He saw me in my "happy" mood, surrounded by people. I didn't realize it was him then.

He sat at a distance, and I caught his eye twice.

Nothing more, nothing less.

It bothers me, actually. Bothers me if I still like him that way, because it'll be hard for me to be friends.

Should not be avoiding him anymore. Should not be thinking about him right now.

But his face still comes to my mind.

Oh well. Let this crush be.

Uncertainty

2010-02-04T10:35:00.003-05:00

I suddenly remembered, the person I dreamt of last night once told me that I needed someone by my side.

Maybe I do. Sometimes I feel like "settling down", but I'm still young.

My heart refuses to.

It's just not me to stay in one place forever.

And this is the reason I give myself whenever I find myself falling too MUCH for one person.

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Maybe I should give up and just fall in love.

It's even scarier and harder once you know the difference between a mere crush and someone you love. You see perfection in your crush. You see imperfection in someone you love, and yet, you love him/her even though there are imperfections.

***************************

On a side note, the world and its inhabitants made me sad again.

1. Why do people steal?
2. Why do people judge?
3. Why are people heartbroken?

I am starting to think about science and media, and how much I miss dear old Moudrankanis. Or Cebulla. Or Bestman. Or Roseman. WHY do they have such nice names?

Why is my mind not focusing enough when it should?

Back to Spanish analysis.

The World told me

2010-02-03T09:18:00.002-05:00

"I know that you love me, and that you care about me. I really thank you for that. And I am happy that you love me, because it builds me reputation of being loved. It's really nice. I enjoy being the object of attention.

But sorry, I don't love you."

If you don't love me, please don't give me an explanation.

11 months ago, I wrote a post:
http://sapphirelittledragon.blogspot.com/2009/03/blog-post.html

Unrequited love.

Is it caused by the lack of love? Or is it because love can only be pain?
I remember Jesus suffered.
So did Siddhārtha Gautama.

The pain which extends from love does not always and only come from romantic love.
I am now making it very clear for those who misunderstood my earlier post.

:) I love you :) Don't you?

Schedule

2010-02-02T11:23:00.002-05:00

The hugest thing on my mind right now: schedule.

When do I have classes.
When do I have lab.
When do I have research.
When do I have meetings.
When do I have fun.
When do I sleep.
When do I have time to eat.

I just realized that "time to eat" is the last on my list, while "classes" are first.
It bothers me a bit because I am too focused on classes right now.

I just realized I haven't eaten anything today yet...

But Chem lab and my partners were absolute fun. I was excellent in titration. Yay.
Only if I went there on time (I'm not blaming you for this... my dear sister. I love you and it's really OKAY).

I feel really happy talking to dad right now. Really. Have I told that he's the first guy I ever loved, and still do love?

He's awesome, really. I like how he sees me ;)

Also, it's good to feel loved.
For those who told me how much they love me. Recently.

I finally decided that I don't need more than the maximum number of credits of classes. It's a give and take situation.
Surprisingly I'm not worried about grades now. Not now. I don't know if I ever will.

But it's okay.

Right up in the sky
A blue dragon flies
Whispering softly in your ear
Can you hear?
Can you hear?

Pain

2010-01-26T10:12:00.001-05:00

PAIN IS NECESSARY

Sometimes just a caressing hand

2010-01-24T21:51:00.003-05:00

You, fat heart, who I promised to publish a poem.

Thanks so much for the post in my name though.

The heart of the Tiger once bled
And shattered to pieces it went
It contained Promise
- or so they said
And now Promise had gone
Never came back.

The heart of the Dragon once bled
And soaked the river wet
It was crystal
- or so because it was clear
Cracked in the middle
Where is the glue to mend?

If anyone really cared.

Good question

2010-01-22T10:33:00.002-05:00

Somebody asked me last night about the first guy I ever loved in my life.

I'll post the answer here.

My dad.

And I still love and adore him now.

It was nice talking to him last night :)

I will stay strong

2010-01-18T23:07:00.001-05:00

It has happened to me before.

And I have overcame it.

So I will stay strong.

And I will.

Come on get higher

2010-01-18T17:39:00.001-05:00

Whoever who made me think of this song too much.

Nice song, by the way.

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water, If I could tell you what’s next
Make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water, if i could tell you what’s next,
make you believe, make you forget

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just to pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just to pull me down hard
And drown me in love

I miss the pull of your heart
I can taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God
when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on - HOLD
Singin' shalala la
Singin' shalala lala
hwooo
hwooo
hwooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo

Come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just to pull me down hard
And drown me in love

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just to pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love

(come on get higher, loosen my lips)It's all wrong
(faith and desire at the swing of your hips)It's all wrong
(just to pull me down hard and drown me in love)It's all right

So, come on, get higher
Come on, get higher
'Cause everything works love
Everything works in your arms

Please. Drown me in love.

Since I cannot swim, anyway =P

Something on my mind....

2010-01-17T16:46:00.004-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-vi1PS1Org

Yes, this:

可是，现实中，又有多少次会那样呢？

只有慢慢走远。。。或者，慢慢接受。

加油了。

Summer

2010-01-11T16:18:00.003-05:00

I watched the movie "500 days of Summer" with a spiritually close friend, after being convinced that it was a movie worth watching. There's no harm giving everything a try, as long as it does not do any harm.

Anyway.

This is a response to the movie. It's not the only response, but part of it. I'll write a review after telling this story of Summer: my very own story of Summer. It may just be an impression, or real. But it does not matter.

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I have a friend called "Summer" in high school (say hi to me if you see this, Summer). I never knew why she was called Summer, or how. She was my mentor in one of my clubs, and she soon became my classmate for two years.

Summer was tall and slim: the model-like figure the small me could never attain. She used to have short hair when I first met her, but she grew them long later. Summer was an excellent sprinter, and was my companion sometimes, when we do long distance running. She wasn't exceptionally pretty, but she always attracted attention.

I first knew her as a mentor, before I entered the prefectorial board. The first time she talked to me, I felt the presence of an older sister: her voice, so deep and compassionate! We spent 2 weeks together, when I got to know her as a teacher.

The next year, I joined the school choir. Summer was already there. I was placed into soprano before our team won the state competition, moving on to the nationals. Summer was an alto singer. We sometimes practiced together, parts by parts. She was frank in giving comments and criticism: something I already knew when she was my mentor. When I did not sing loud enough, or was not expressive, or when I was not focused that I sang out of tune, Summer would always tell me directly. Then I know she cared, that she really cared about people. We spent a year together, when I got to know her as a friend and companion.

We spent the last two years of high school in the same class. We sat together for a while, and she would always turn to me for mathematical questions. She was an excellent student, picking up facts and procedures rather quickly. Sometimes we talked, mostly about what we wanted to do when we grew up.

"I want to teach."

I remember her saying.

"No, you are a good student, Summer. You should not be a teacher. You should do something better, like a doctor, or something else."

That was the response from one of our teachers.

My culture forbids the best students to be teachers. They have to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers. Boring jobs I would never do.

"Summer, you should be a model."

"A singer. Or an actress."

Summer was sufficiently tall and acceptable looking to enter the entertainment industry.

Summer received excellent grades for our high school leaving examinations. And to most people's surprise, she chose to stay two more years in high school, to figure out what she wanted to do.

What she wanted to do? Or what people wanted her to do?

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I lost touch with Summer for quite some time. I tried searching her online, on facebook, because I remembered that she added me as a friend - but I failed.

Just because she told me this, once:

"I'm Summer. And I think you're Autumn."

And she calls me Autumn.

Two and two and two

2010-01-10T14:42:00.002-05:00

Two too
Too two
Two two too
Too two two
Too two too two
Two and two and two

Sometimes we don't know

I wonder what happens when a heart breaks into two:
shouldn't it have four chambers?

Home

2010-01-07T21:23:00.002-05:00

You don't know how much I miss home.
Or do I?

But nowhere is home, as everywhere is home.
Where is the place I used to be?
- If there is one, I mean.

Where is the sun I used to see?
- If that angle still exists.

Where is the land I used to run?
Where is the sweat once on my back?
Where are the people, once strong and alive?

- In another world, another place, another scene.

Maybe you don't know, but it's an entirely different feeling.

Still amazed by the internet.

And you. :)

2010

2010-01-05T09:27:00.002-05:00

The year started bad
And I am sad.

This holiday season

2009-12-29T22:29:00.003-05:00

There's nothing like a family get together during the holiday season - and a little sibling rivalry.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! As a pleasant old lady from a church in Georgetown put it, "have a healthy new year".

We do not know how much we possess until we lose something: how precious our lives are - and how much we should appreciate them. ^^

*which, reminds me of the book "Precious" me and dad read in the bookstore today.*

Not sure whether I'm looking forward to 2010. Maybe I am, deep inside my heart, but I am not aware of it. Anyway, will be in the chilly north while celebrating it with fwawy friends :)

I find it funny that my cousin calls me "brave".

"We do not know how much we have changed, because the most obvious changes are intrinsic."

I couldn't agree with him more.

How much, how much have we changed. How much have we not changed. How much have we change so that we have not change. If we change all the time, we are actually not changing, since "change" itself is a non changeable part of us.

How much, how much. Gah, words and grammar. :)

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On a side note, Happy 1st birthday to my dear blog.

We have grown and experienced a lot together, haven't we? ;)

I love you. Yes, you.